I love guys with tattoos. Especially tattoos on some thick, muscular arms. Topped off with a nice smile and some brown eyes. Physically speaking anyways. Personality wise… Anyone that can make me laugh really. Or who looks at me a certain way, like I’m the only girl they’ve ever seen before.
I have this thing… With guys… And fantasizing about them without ever actually pursuing them because they’re either a) unavailable, b) way too old, or c) would never, ever be interested in a girl like me. (I only get pursued by men I don’t want so that’s out of the picture.) I get attached to my idea of them, this imperfectly person who’s perfect in every way, even though I barely know them. I go through this entire “what if” in my head of what will happen, how they’ll sweep me off my feet, how their lips will feel on mine, if they’ll push me up against a wall and just KISS me. The kind of kiss that isn’t incompatible and awkward rhythms, with a prying vibe of rushing to the main event . The kind of kiss where you just kind of melt into each other and fall into this effortless rhythm. Where you enjoy the present moment, that kiss, and savor it. I’m in love with being in love. And I hereby refuse to settle for an incompatible kisser.
The thing is, though, it’s been a good 7 years now since I’ve been in an actual, serious relationship. First few years I was knee deep in my painkiller addiction, along with plenty blackout binge drinking nights. A couple guys attempted to date me. The inevitable one night stands. The calling the ex while drunk… Essentially nothing serious. Feeding my addiction was numero uno. Then I moved to STL. I would meet someone and think I like them, then realize I’m a pathetic idiot with zero self esteem a week or two later. Anddd that’s how it goes.
This last year I tried to do the whole NSA/hook up thing, I.e. dating in today’s world. 😩🔫 I’m not a hookup type. That was made abundantly clear at the expense of what little self worth I had remaining. I knew this before but I just had to make sure. Kind of like I had to make sure I was an alcoholic by fucking my life up a little more. Yup, I am definitely an alcoholic!✋
I was talking to my BFF the other day and it’s been almost three years since I’ve been actually kissed and enjoyed it. (How depressing is that?) I told her who my last good kiss was and she says “I know why you guys kissed so well! You both have thin lips!” And so we have this “lip test” we do now on potential crushes. The proof was looking at couples we knew and comparing their lips. We had a solid case.
Anywayyyys. I have this new crush. I have seen him around at meetings before when I got sober last year. He’s still lookin’ fine AF. Brown eyes, great smile, plenty tattoos, ample hands aka no baby hands. (I like manly hands okay?) Obviously I don’t think he would ever be interested in me. Or that it’s even a remotely good idea to date anyone in your first year. But… I like the eye candy. And a girl can dream right?!