I called a friend I haven’t talked to in a few weeks. She didn’t answer nor did she call me back or even send a text. This particular friend has done this before. I am trying to look at from a non self-centered point of view. Maybe she’s got a lot going on. Maybe someone in her family is ill. Maybe she’s ill. I usually don’t like reaching out to people because I can’t handle rejection and I take things personally.
A few days ago I sent another friend a YouTube video of this awesome AA speaker. She didn’t reply. Not that night, or the next day.
The friend I made a card for seemed to be avoiding eye contact from the minute I walked into the meeting tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and talking to her. Her other friend sat next to her and they were in a conversation that I didn’t want to interrupt. I did the looking over to catch eye contact and she never looked at me. So I sat there, drinking my coffee, staring ahead, probably sulking to be honest. “How are you beautiful?” She said after a few minutes. Then the typical answer and blah blah. Then her and her friend started talking again. At the break I gave her the card. “Aw you didn’t have to do that! You’re sweet! Thank you!” She said. I didn’t stay after the meeting. I didn’t feel like standing around, waiting for someone to talk to me. So I left.
I know it’s probably just me. I’m not necessarily a great person to be around. I’m moody. Angry about where my last drinking debacle has landed me. Anxious about this potential job opportunity. I really don’t like myself.
Back when I got sober in August 2016, I met a friend in the program. She wasn’t working the steps or calling her sponsor regularly. I was. I had friends at the meetings that would talk to me and I always felt guilty for talking to them and leaving her alone. I kinda felt like she was just attaching herself to me cause she didn’t talk to anyone else and it was a drag. She was miserable. I felt bad for her. I’d been there. I talked to my sponsor at the time about it and she said to just talk to the friends, to not worry about her. But I couldn’t help feeling like I was abandoning her. Still a drag though. A drag I didn’t need while trying to stay sober. She kinda killed my vibe. Also I hated sitting by her at meetings cause she would chew her nails constantly and it drove me crazy. The girl couldn’t sit still. I chew my nails too but not that unabashedly in public. I’m thoughtful like that.
I just wanna feel better. Be happier. Be someone people wanna be around. I remember what it’s like to be “inside the boat” and to have friends to talk to at meetings. Now I just can’t wait for the meeting to start once I get there and to leave when it’s over.
The point is… Am I actually being rejected or am I just bringing this on myself? We reap what we sow. Maybe I’m actually the one acting the way I feel these other people act. Or maybe not. People suck. I’m so pissed off. I just wanna lash out at these friends but I know that’s not the answer. They hurt my feelings. Whether they actually did anything or not remains to be determined. Perhaps I’m just being a little bitch. I’m just hurt because everytime I reach out, this happens.
Damn it. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate that I can go from grateful and hopeful one minute to hopeless and angry the next. 😔