Lately I’ve been getting this feeling…
I’m irritated. Tired. Lazy. Wannabe ambitious. Wanna go outside.
Can’t fathom getting off this bed. Can’t fathom laying here much longer. Why can’t I just drift off into a blissful, peaceful, forever sleep? Because honestly this whole living nonsense is hard. And it’s not worth it.
I know I can go to an AA meeting.
I also know what I will hear when I go. “Get a sponsor, work the steps, take action to improve your thinking” blah blah blah. I don’t want to work the steps. I don’t want a sponsor to have to call every goddamn day and get chastised when I don’t. Which only fuels my anger and resentment. I wanna go to the familiar meetings and I don’t. Because I don’t wanna run into my old friends. I don’t want them telling me what I need to do.
The thing is I’m not convinced alcoholism is a disease. I don’t wanna hear that every bad feeling I have is “my disease talking.” I also don’t want to be like the majority of longtime AA-ers. I want to live a life of balance and moderation (not with alcohol or drugs, obviously) but with food. With friends. With family. Activity.
I don’t believe “giving my problems to a Higher Power of my understanding” will solve all my problems. I don’t like that AA advocates this seemingly victim state of mind, this not taking control of one’s own life.”Self will run riot” being this horrible thing.
I did the damn thing in AA for 6 months. Sponsor, stepwork, home group, service. And guess what? I still felt just as miserable as I am today. And not working a program? I still have an equal number of good and bad days.
I will admit while going to those meetings, I didn’t wanna drink. The urge to drink was gone. Since I stopped going to meetings regularly, I do dabble with the idea of taking a drink. And honestly I almost have.
Godddd, I’m arguing with myself. That brainwashed AA brain is just picking apart everything I just wrote.
I’m not making sense. I said I would write everyday. That’s one commitment I am keeping.