Restless, Irritable, and Discontent

Lately I’ve been getting this feeling…

I’m irritated. Tired. Lazy. Wannabe ambitious. Wanna go outside.

Can’t fathom getting off this bed. Can’t fathom laying here much longer. Why can’t I just drift off into a blissful, peaceful, forever sleep? Because honestly this whole living nonsense is hard. And it’s not worth it.

I know I can go to an AA meeting.

I also know what I will hear when I go. “Get a sponsor, work the steps, take action to improve your thinking” blah blah blah. I don’t want to work the steps. I don’t want a sponsor to have to call every goddamn day and get chastised when I don’t. Which only fuels my anger and resentment. I wanna go to the familiar meetings and I don’t. Because I don’t wanna run into my old friends. I don’t want them telling me what I need to do.

The thing is I’m not convinced alcoholism is a disease. I don’t wanna hear that every bad feeling I have is “my disease talking.” I also don’t want to be like the majority of longtime AA-ers. I want to live a life of balance and moderation (not with alcohol or drugs, obviously) but with food. With friends. With family. Activity.

I don’t believe “giving my problems to a Higher Power of my understanding” will solve all my problems. I don’t like that AA advocates this seemingly victim state of mind, this not taking control of one’s own life.”Self will run riot” being this horrible thing.

I did the damn thing in AA for 6 months. Sponsor, stepwork, home group, service. And guess what? I still felt just as miserable as I am today. And not working a program? I still have an equal number of good and bad days.

I will admit while going to those meetings, I didn’t wanna drink. The urge to drink was gone. Since I stopped going to meetings regularly, I do dabble with the idea of taking a drink. And honestly I almost have.

Godddd, I’m arguing with myself. That brainwashed AA brain is just picking apart everything I just wrote.

I’m not making sense. I said I would write everyday. That’s one commitment I am keeping.

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