Read this if you can see your flaws but lack the willingness to do anything about them

I’m realizing that I am pretty immature and petty. I always hear that you stop maturing at the age when you first started drinking or using. I literally still act like a pissed off teenager when I’m upset.

When I’m really frustrated, I’m not above slamming doors or stomping my feet.

Seriously. I stomp my feet like a child when I’m frustrated. I’ll admit it. It’s not a regular occurrence, it’s usually preserved for colossal shitstorms, but it happens.

The first step is realizing it, the second step is believing it, the third step is accepting it, and I’m guessing the fourth is changing it? I hit a wall with willingness… a lot. I HAAAAATE sucking up my pride.Apologies are literally the worst. Maybe it just takes a couple weeks to forgive yourself before getting over it.

I messed up and hurt one of my best friends. I apologized and I didn’t hear anything back. This obviously angered me (i.e. hurt me) so I turned it around on her. I said I was upset she hadn’t told me she was upset sooner and that her curtness did not escape my notice this past month, and that I didn’t appreciate it, and that this was not okay. That was the soonest she could tell me, she said. Did I reply? Nope! (She didn’t acknowledge my apology!)

Hellooooooooo hypocrite! (Amiright?!) I’m here!

So instead of being a mature adult, I’ve decided to just stop talking to this friend. I don’t need anyone, I think, I’m better off alone anyways.My pride is hurt. My feelings are hurt. I’m upset because she was one of two real-life, within 500 miles of me friends I have (literally). I don’t click with people very often but I do with her. She’s important to me. I think I need to get my mind right first, though, I need to accept the situation and forgive myself?

I’m still mad. I think I need to cool off and brush off the hurt. Get over the fact that she didn’t accept my apology before I try to put myself out there again.

Maybe this is just another lesson of life! I know what not to do next time. I can think twice and not repeat that same mistake again. Pain/experience are the best teachers after all!

If anything, this situation has made me realize how immature I really am.  How much of an avoidant shitheel I can be. I’m not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post, but if you can relate, awesome, because I always feel better knowing I’m not alone. I think I meant to give some inspiring message but… it looks like that isn’t gonna happen.

I am a child, after all.


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