True Detective, Feelings, and Realizations

I am unequivocally in love with this show.

The characters. The culture of a man’s man profession, like police work, is something I utterly despise. (Fuckin’ patriarchy amiright?) This show just wouldn’t be the same without it, though.

Woody Harrelson’s character, with his cocky demeanor and that weird mouth thing he does, is hard not to love. He wears that tie, button-up, and unfaithfulness so well. Rust is obviously gorgeous but I just don’t find myself as attracted to him. I think it’s because he reminds me of myself with his aloof demeanor; too aloof for a girl who requires constant validation. But then, at the same time, Rust’s attention is genuine, whereas Marty’s would be fleeting and dime a dozen. That adulterous bastard.

I realize I am smart enough to understand the possible future danger of womanizers on my self esteem, while still finding unavailable men attractive. 

The first thing I think when I see a dead body on my TV screen or hear about one in real life is “well, at least they’re dead and not suffering”, followed by “I hope their death was swift and painless”. Death doesn’t sadden me. I’m happy for people who no longer have to endure the suffering of life. I hear of people dying and I don’t feel sad. I feel for the families’ loss of a loved one, I’m far from heartless, but death is easy.

I’d feel much more sadness and compassion for someone who wound up disabled or got a diagnosis of a lifelong debilitating illness. There are many things worse than death. I hate seeing homeless people, the humiliation and hopelessness written all over their dirty faces. When I actually look at their faces. I generally don’t allow myself to directly look at them, other than what my peripheral vision demands.

Is it wrong to feel so apathetic about death? Does this make me a realist or morbid? Or both? 

My mom told me about their elderly neighbor that fell and broke his hip. Bawling, scared, in pain, no family, refusing to go to the hospital. No one to watch his house, his wife died, he has no family. Probably has shitty insurance. No money. Old, can’t work. I was so upset she even told me. Why ruin my day? I’m acutely aware of how sad and unfair this world is, I don’t need someone rubbing my face in it.

I don’t like hearing about sad things like that. I can’t feel pity. I can’t feel sadness. It’s too much to bear. I feel out of control, I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel guilty that I have everything I could possibly want for happiness and I’m still not happy.

I recognize that I have a hard time feeling certain feelings. I’m not sure how to actually feel them. I would love some suggestions.

This post is all over the place…. I’m a mess.

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